Sunday, November 8, 2009

Fat Lard

Dear Friends,

Writer's block this week. Since my last post, I couldn't find a topic to blog on. For those who follow me on Twitter, ,you would know that I spent my Sunday today at the gym. My twits were mainly on my 'step by step' workouts and what I accomplished. I frequent the gym at least three times weekly. When there, besides the 'eye cleansing', I spend time on cardiovascular exercises and also train on weights. Exercising to me now is LIFESTYLE.

I love cycling as an exercise. A particular group exercise class that I do at least three times a week is 'SPINNING'. At today's class, a 'regular' fella that I recognise who weighs at least 250lbs was exhibiting his Casanova charms on the ladies in class. He was telling Amy, the instructor that he was expecting her to not 'bore' him with slow paced numbers but to 'excite' him with heavy pumping beats. I am enclosing a Spinning video here for you to understand what is Spinning.

To cut a long story short, our 'Fat Man' could not even last through half the class and was panting away. It was 90 minutes of vigorous cycling up and down different terrains. I could see his 'multiple orgasms' despite needing to hold on as not to injure his MACHOISM. Not wanting to die on the ladies literally, 'Fat Man' relented and walked out. Without the initial ego, we would have understood.

It is terrible being fat. Where I gym, for crying out loud, I have seen FAT LADIES with the most minimum amount of clothes on. Don't they realise that by dressing like that, they symbolise an exercise ball that is ready to be sat on? I try to mind my own business; but in the male locker room, a really GROTESQUE sight, is to have a 'Fat Man' stand beside me in only his big parachute brief with no shirt on. Worst still, he actually looked like he had breasts. While smiling at me with heavy breathing, I wish somebody would tell him that it is not the exercises that is wearing him out but the inches of LARD around his waist that is making him overheat.
Please don't get me wrong. I have NOTHING AGAINST fat people. I was once fat myself. I loved my beers and pizzas. I had a beer gut and a face of an 8" Domino's Hawaiian Delight. Honestly, in a world like this, who would like a fat and overweight person? At a job interview down to the hedge, both with similar qualifications and experience, who will get the job; the fat or the thin? Fat people are normally POKED and made fun at. Heard of this one? A rather fat and overweight lady was boarding a flight and gave the flight steward two boarding passes. "Where is your companion?" asked the steward. She said in a blush, "Well, you see, one seat is too small and uncomfortable for me, so I decided to get two. But, they are both really for me". The flight steward replied, "Fine with me Ma'am, there is just a slight problem. You see, your seats are numbers 32 and 43".

I work out because at 'mid - life' I need to be HEALTHY. Consistent exercising and the releasing of endorphins would ENERGISE me, make me LESS stressed and LIVE life better. If ever I am fat again, I would probably:
* Scare children when they see me as some big ugly OGRE from Shrek.
* Take too much space in pictures even with wide angled lens.
* Be liked by only fat people and detested by the rest.
* Breathe with a loud Darth Vader echoing sound in the background.
* Smell terrible like some Hokkien Mee lard.
* Confining to only the missionary position when making love.
Worst still, she has to be on top all the time to avoid me crushing her.

I don't want to be fat ever again. I don't want a piece of lard wrapped around so big that I can't see 'HIM' while I am taking a PEE. If temptation is great when supper, chocolates, sweet Coke comes a calling, say this prayer:

Lord, my soul is ripped with riot,
Incited by my wicked diet,
We are what we eat, said a wise old man,
And Lord, if that is true, I am a garbage can,
I want to rise on Judgement Day, that's plain,
But at my present weight, I'll need a crane.


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